There’s something about a soulless old man who shoots his friends in the face and wears a snarl most of the time that makes him the ideal butt of jokes. Man, I love a good Cheney joke.
So while this Machiavellian monster’s carefree trampling over human rights will soon be over, I have to admit I’ll miss the Onion’s brilliant pieces lampooning him. I love how they usually refer to him simply as “Cheney”, in a style similar to “Godzilla” or “Satan”:
- Cheney Returns to Camp Crystal Lake – “I knew it’d been too quiet around here,” camp caretaker Ephram Magritte, 67, said between sips from his flask. “Things were just starting to get back to normal. Then that carload of kids had to go have a drinking party at the lake last Friday. When two of them went missing, people started up again, saying Cheney was back. We don’t need that kind of talk. Stirs up trouble. Scares off customers.”
Four hours later, Magritte was found hanging from a tree, his brass-handled cane protruding from his eye socket.
- Cheney Caught Moonlighting – “For the past several months, the vice-president has, unbeknownst to this administration, taken on a second job as a host at Denny’s,” White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer said. “We are dealing with the situation internally.”
- Voice Of God Revealed To Be Cheney On Intercom – While journalists and presidential historians had long noted Bush’s deep faith and Cheney’s powerful influence in the White House, few had drawn a direct correlation between the two until Tuesday, when transcripts of meetings that took place in March and April of 2002 became available. In a transcript of an intercom exchange recorded in March 2002, a voice positively identified as the vice president’s identifies himself as “the Lord thy God” and promotes the invasion of Iraq, as well as the use of torture in prisoner interrogations.
- ‘Missed Connection’ Ad Obviously Cheney – In spite of its anonymity, a “missed connection” ad posted on the D.C.-area Craigslist Monday was clearly the work of Vice President Dick Cheney. “You: the attractive blonde from Newsweek,” the ad read. “Me: stout, thinning hair, glasses, surrounded by Secret Service agents.”
- New Heart Device Allows Cheney To Experience Love – Dr. Jonathan Samuel Reiner, Cheney’s cardiologist, said in a press conference at George Washington University Hospital that the vice president exhibited a series of unexpected side effects almost immediately after regaining consciousness following his surgery. “The vice president broke free from the straps that secured him to the bed and lurched at me as he customarily does following a heart procedure,” said Reiner. “But instead of trying to strangle me, he wrapped his arms around me in a hug.”
- Latest Cheney Tape May Contain Evidence Of His Whereabouts – The tape, which is 18 minutes in length, contains grainy footage of what appears to be the vice president standing in front of a featureless brown background. Despite a history of heart problems, Cheney seems to be in good health, though he does appear agitated. Analysts said his hair is grayer than in previous tapes, and his hairline has receded by a half inch. He appears to be wearing the exact same suit he wore in his most recent video in 2004. Though Cheney makes no specific threats in the tape, he does issue vague warnings that the United States will soon face a large-scale attack.
- Cheney Vows To Attack U.S. If Kerry Elected – “If the wrong man is elected in November, the nation will come under a devastating armed attack of an unimaginable magnitude, one planned and executed by none other than myself,” Cheney said, speaking at a rally in Greensboro, NC. “When they go to the polls, Americans must weigh this fact and decide if our nation can ignore such a grave threat.” Added Cheney: “It would be a tragedy to suffer another attack on American soil, let alone one perpetrated by an enemy as well-organized and well-equipped as I am. My colleagues and I urge voters to keep their safety in mind when they go to the polls.”
- Cheney Celebrates Earth Day By Breathing Oxygen – At a special Earth Day event Sunday, Vice President Dick Cheney inhaled his first-ever breath of oxygen. “I am…proud to stand before you today and…breathe in the same gas used by…millions of Americans,” said a wheezing and gasping Cheney, whose body is accustomed to compounds of chlorine and sulfur dioxide.