Why is it, in the minds of so many gay men, that the only closet cases they see are attractive?

In other words, why are Matt Damon and Tom Cruise so clearly gay, but never Rainn Wilson or Steve Buscemi?

Why is that those that have the least to worry about unwelcome same-sex come-ons tend to obsess about them so much?

Put differently:

Why do the ugliest people complain about gay people hitting on them?

I’m in love with people who can’t take anything seriously right now, I guess. Yesterday I paid a short homage to the “Lovable Queen of Mean” Lisa Lampanelli.

Today’s honoree: Stephen Colbert.

(Maybe I’ll do Amy Sedaris tomorrow and make it a 3-part series)

I’ve been downloading a bunch of YouTube clips, converting them on-the-fly into iPod-ready files using this wonderful piece of software, and watching them during my commute (it’s easy to ignore the stench of bad perfume and the deafening screech of the trains).

Today’s gems were Stephen Colbert (interviewed by Tim Russert on Meet the Press, and by that old windbag, Bill O’Reilly, who kept on making an issue of Colbert’s French last name) and Penn & Teller’s Bullshit! (highly, highly recommended).

Colbert was doing the news circuit, promoting his book, “I Am America, and So Can You!”. (The grammatically illogicality strikes you about a second or two after reading the title, and Colbert’s brand of understated humor also takes a moment or two to appreciate.)

Anyway, Colbert is running for president, and hoping to at least get one delegate in his native state, South Carolina. His book sets forth his position on all the motherhood-and-apple-pie platform issues such as these:

ON IRAQ

Once again, God won the War. He just doesn’t occupy very well.

ON OLD PEOPLE

Sorry, but retirement offends me. You don’t just stop fighting in the middle of a war because your legs hurt. So why do you get to stop working in the middle of your life just because your prostate hurts?

ON FATHERS

America used to live by the motto “Father Knows Best.” Now we’re lucky if “Father Knows He Has Children.”…There’s more to being a father than taking kids to Chuck E. Cheese and supplying the occasional Y chromosome. A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased.

ON MOTHERS

Scientists have proven, one assumes, that every flaw in a child can be traced back to a mistake made by the mother. As adults we’re all imperfect, so that means all mothers are incompetent. But some mothers are worse than others. Take women who work… if you work outside the home, you might as well bring coconut arsenic squares to the school bake sale.

Suffice it to say, the book is on my Amazon wish list, so anyone wanting to do some early Christmas shopping (and early Christmas gift giving! Why wait for December?) might want to know that the book can be bought, gift-wrapped and delivered for under $20.