I have a friend who I love one-one-one and hate in groups. I’m sure most of you know what I’m talking about: great conversation partner, has great stories, but can not manage crowds. Small dinner parties send them into a nervous breakdown.

I also hate spending time with this friend in groups because her friends suck. I can usually get along with anyone, but probably because she’s a bit of a doormat, she attracts the dregs of society that no one else would dare beat with a long stick.

One of her friends, let’s call  him Doug, is probably the most selfish person you can possibly imagine. He literally acts like a 3-year-old, stamping his feet and crossing his arms, pouting, if he doesn’t get his way. I wish I were speaking metaphorically here, but I’m being far more literal than you could ever imagine. Unless you’ve met him. And then you’ll know exactly who Doug is.

So my friend has invited me to a small graduation party dinner and there’s no way I can get out of it. Another one of her friends has taken the initiative to email us to ask how we’ll split the bill and cover our friend’s part of the bill.

Doug, who might I mention weighs about 300 lbs and has a voracious appetite, suggested that we split the bill evenly “MINUS the beer, wine and alcohol”.

Did I mention that Doug doesn’t drink at all?

I’ve eaten out with Doug before. He orders a soup, a salad, an appetizer, an entree, and a dessert…all the most expensive things on the menu…and then he demands that we all split the bill evenly. Minus the alcohol.

I won’t do it again. I wrote an email back saying each person should be responsible for their own portion, plus their equal portion of our friend’s meal. I said I didn’t feel like subsidizing other attendees’ meals.

Silence after that.

Keep in mind that I don’t really give a fuck what any of these people think of me. Having them all tell my friend that I’m an inflexible piece of shit would be a dream come true. I’d get to spend time with my friend one-on-one and never have to spend another minute hearing about their dog delousing business or their next trip to a BDSM nature camp for lesbians.

That dinner’s coming up so if the consensus is to split the bill MINUS the alcohol, then you sure as hell bet I’ll be ordering everything on the damn menu. And taking what I don’t finish home in a doggy bag.

Watch me.