Now, like just about every man on the planet, I wouldn’t complain if my equipment were bigger (even Long Dong Silver would–female readers, I’m not sure I can explain this, but, ask any man, it’s true). And it wouldn’t bother me if I could engage in day-long Kama Sutra marathons. Who wouldn’t? But I have to say for the most part I’ve been pretty happy with what Mother Nature has given me, and with how I can keep up my performance when it matters.

Well, until recently.

It seems plenty of people–easily hundreds a day–have taken it upon themselves to email me, discreetly, to tell me that I don’t have to suffer with a small dick any longer, and that they have a solution (something called MegaDik, or, alternatively, Magic Stick).

I mean, I’m getting these emails from complete strangers. They’re so concerned with my…shortcomings…that they’re sending unsolicited emails offering succor to someone they don’t even know. Respectable-sounding names, such as Enid Lawson, Jewel Sanchez, and Penelope Smith, have delicately suggested I seek the help of supplements, pumps and semi-surgical techniques. They’ve even sent links where I can get more information and order. At substantial discounts (“at discounted prsices”).

I guess they were picking up on a subconscious feeling of inadequacy that I wasn’t even aware of!

They’ve also suggested I look in Viagra and Levitra (or, rather, V!ag/Ra and L.e.v.1.T.R.8), popular erectile dysfunction medicines, pointing me in the direction of Cypriot pharmacies and Indian clearinghouses that offer these drugs, or bioidentical knockoffs, for 80% less than what I’d pay stateside.

What’s more, they’re persistent and they reach me at several email accounts. Even at work! In fact, I get most of these helpful tips at a customer-service email account that they must somehow know I monitor. Talk about some clever cybersleuthing.

One of the keys to successful marketing is pure repetition. If it weren’t, we really wouldn’t give a shit about where Paris Hilton took her last piss–the fact that Paris’s every move is monitored so intently by the media makes us wonder if there really is something important about her.

In addition to the magic of repetition, these spammers use a concept typically attributed to Microsoft: FUD. Make people scared or unsure about something, and they’ll respond. Anyone familiar with the 2004 Bush reelection campaign will understand the power of manufactured fear.

Repetition and FUD are things Enid, Jewel and Penelope are very good at. Now I stare downward in the shower and wonder if I really should be satisfied with what I see. And whether there would be any harm in wiring $200 to an offshore bank account. I mean, being King-Kong sized is beginning to sound like it could be the answer to those prayers. I. Was. Apparently. Making…unbeknownst to myself.

The Internet really is amazing. Not only can you use it to gather information on problems you need help with, it provides you with information you never asked for about problems you never knew you had!