I have a bidet on my toilet.

And I love it. I’m a true convert. I loathe toilet paper now. It’s like cleaning up with sandpaper. My boyfriend totally agrees with me.

Before you laugh, let me tell you a little story. My parents bought a bidet, and told my brother about it. He laughed at them. Then he tried it. And bought one for himself. Then my brother told me about it, and I laughed at him until I tried it. I bought one for myself. I then told a friend about it, who laughed at me for weeks. A couple of months later she asked where she could buy one.

Here’s why bidets are worth every penny they cost:

• they clean you up completely. When you pat dry afterwards (no rubbing necessary!), the paper is clean. You’re not smearing your own feces back into your skin.
• it’s refreshing. You either get warm water, which naturally feels nice, or cold water, which is not as jarring as you might imagine (provided you don’t turn it on full blast and give yourself an accidental enema).
• many have heated seats. Trust me, it’s worth it if your bathroom is even slightly cold.
• you take it easy on your ring. Even if you’re not prone to hemorrhoids, it’s nice not to have to scratch and scrape your asshole to get it clean. Even if you have the super-soft plush kind of toilet paper (which, because they usually have very, very small fibers, actually effectively gives your ass tissue millions of little splinters)

I’ve tried the standard $100 Go Bidet, which is great because you can control the pressure and get yourself lickety-split immaculate in about 10 seconds. However, now I have the Hometech 2000, which cost about $300 when I bought it three years ago. It’s still working great!

Note big manly-man Mark Cuban is an investor in SF-based Brondell Swash, and giants like Toto (worth visiting their site just for the intro) are selling high-end bidets with warm air-dry and deodorizing features.

Treat your ass right. Wash it, don’t wipe it.