Britney’s claim to fame was the fact that she was able to pull off the entire blond virgin-whore shtick better than Madonna, and at a younger age. A great singer she’s not, but she can dance slutty enough to appeal to impressionable tweeners without pissing off mom. Enough to sell tens of millions of records and pitch Diet Pepsi? Apparently.

But Britney’s raison d’etre ever since she married beneath her station and pushed out a couple of puppies has been to serve as the media’s punching bag during slow news cycles. America might grow weary of hearing yet another update on Baghdad, but there is an unquenchable thirst for every tiny misstep that poor Ms Spears makes.

And let’s face it – without her handlers directing her every move, your average 23-year-old girl’s gonna make some mistakes. A lot of them.

First, taking a cue from J. Lo, she married a backup dancer. And again like J. Lo, she realized she had been duped and got a divorce. Had a couple of kids. Carried one in her lap when driving. Shaved off her hair. Beat the shit out of an SUV.

All of this, I suppose, is mildly amusing. Mildly.

The real reason that this sort of dreck makes the news consistently is that there is always a rapacious audience for it. Why? Nothing makes you forget how meaningless and boring your life is than to see someone far richer, more powerful and better looking than you stumble.

Not exactly schadenfreude. Schadenfreude means taking cruel delight at someone else’s misfortune.

Britney-bashing is all about overweening sanctimony. Tellingly, it’s typically the domain of dumpy young women. Like Perez Hilton.

How better to feel better about your bloated gut than to point out that Britney’s once rock-hard six-pack has gone soft?

And how better to feel about the fact that your crowning achievement in life has been to narrowly avoid killing your own offspring than to gloat about Britney’s supposed awful parenting?

Your hair is all stringy and thin? Well, Britney doesn’t even have any!

Now I don’t really care that much for Britney Spears. The only reason I’m defending her here is that her numerous detractors are even more pathetic than she is.

And before Britney throws another tantrum about the intrusive and cruel media, she should remember that without the taunts and well-placed paparazzi, she’d have little more to be proud of than the dim-witted girls who constantly read about her.