Had a short but interesting conversation at work about gay marriage and who its proponents and opponents are.

I’ve absorbed enough of the national dialogue to recognize some patterns. Some are obvious; some are subtle. Here are the types of people that are against gay marriage:

1) Christian fundies - Of course, an easy one. This group is primarily composed of assholes, but they have a need to feel self-righteous, so they choose one of the rare sins they don’t actually commit to feel high and mighty about themselves. It’s not only for their homophobia that so many people hate these fuckers. Includes Mormons, who, until not too long ago, thought their church was too good for black people.

2) Dumpy, single, straight women - Straight women that gravitate towards gay men tend to be attractive; they usually enjoy hanging out with gay men to avoid unwanted attention from straight men and jealousy from other women. The less attractive women out there who struggle to make men pay attention to them (and would relish something that other women would be jealous of) are against gay marriage, not because they loathe gay people, but because they feel entitled to get married first. They might be fine with gay marriage after some guy pops the question to them first. They are usually seen making an ass of themselves, constantly about their struggles to find a decent man and to fit in size 16 jeans. Often talk about their personal relationship with Jesus and how the Bible is awesome, hoping that will charm some fundie (#1 above).

3. Most African-Americans - No other ethnic group is as against gay marriage as black people in this country, at least. Driven by the juvenile machismo of black male culture, and probably in part due to the Baptist church’s adamant position against gay marriage, black Americans’ support of gay marriage stands at 28%. Some black leaders have whined that they resent LGBT activists’ “exploitation” of a comparison to the civil rights struggle of the 1960s, but they are simply masking a shameful culture of bigotry that runs deep.

4. White men with a sense of entitlement - These are the (usually older) guys that complain about the slow degradation of the moral and social fabric of our society (while consistently supporting Republican efforts to destroy social programs that help keep that fabric intact). That’s code for: we had all the power 50 years ago, and now we have to share it with women, blacks, gays and a bunch of other people that are worse than us, and goddammit, we’re not going to take it anymore! Unsurprisingly given the depth of their hypocrisy, they often have names like Murphy, Russo and Kowalski, recalling the historically most reviled ethnic immigrant groups that assimilated due to the tolerance of people unlike themselves. Usually seen watching Fox News and struggling with relentless heartburn.

5. Closet cases - These stupid old fucks love getting handjobs in airport bathrooms or coming on to boys one-tenth their age, but they happily vote Republican and sing the song of homophobia when it comes to legalizing gay marriage. Why? Simple - a gay man married to another is one less that will be cruising public bathrooms. Married gay men are a lot less likely to have a “wide stance” than those relegated to singledom. Unsurprisingly, these men come from a generation that has internalized homophobia to a degree that they don’t see anything wrong with demonizing gay people; after all, they’re not really gay!

6. Brainwashed Catholics - There are two types of Catholics: those who know what the Vatican’s position is on a host of issues and then proceed to live their own lives, and those who feel the need to heed whatever that old Nazi tells them. These latter tend to have no sense of control over their own destiny, and want to have someone else, preferably someone in flowing gold robes and a big bejeweled hat, tell them what to believe. You can’t fault them for being against gay marriage; they are just mindless automatons incapable of forming their own opinion about anything.

7. Muslims - Actually, I don’t think I’ve ever heard a religious Muslim ever even talk about gay marriage. I guess their thinking is: how could dead people get married? How preposterous!

Who supports gay marriage? There are obviously many exceptions, especially those that overlap with the 7 groups above, but:

• younger people (Gens X & Y)
• educated people
• people living in urban areas
• non-religious people
• Western Europeans
• self-described “progressives”
• people who can honestly admit that marriages between two other people have nothing to do with their own

The tide is slowly turning, and thankfully those who support gay marriage tend to be growing. This is a personal issue for me, so I find it all the more irritating that ignorant, selfish people feel entitled to limit the rights of others for their own self-satisfaction. This is why, as you can see above, I don’t feel the need to respect their views - who respects the views of those who believe mixed-race couples shouldn’t be allowed to marry in this day and age?

Posted on June 12th, 2008 by JM