My favorite freaks: the screaming BART station lady

I’m starting a series about San Francisco’s most lovable weirdos. This is the first installment.

Pissed off old ladyAbout four years ago, I was waiting in the Daly City BART station (don’t ask) to head back home. That was the first time I saw the woman whom I affectionately call the screaming BART station lady. She was a petite 70ish white woman with glasses. She was screaming at the top of her lungs and swearing at the electronic sign:

God Dammit!!!!

SHIT!!!

Where’s the GOD. DAMN. 73?!?!

Another hour?!?! SHIT!!!

oooooooOOOOOOOooooOOOOOOOHHHHHHH!!!!!

Holy SHIT!!!

Goddammit!! I’m not going to get home for another HOUR! SHIT!

These expletives came out every 10 seconds or so. I was laughing so hard that my sides hurt, tears were streaming down my face, and I could barely breathe.

Any Bay Area resident can tell you that there is no bus number 73 that runs through the BART tunnels.

I couldn’t bear to tell her she was in the wrong place. I literally would’ve pissed my pants witnessing her reaction.

Fast forward four years. I’m in the Montgomery station tonight, around 7. Suddenly, I hear:

SHIT!

Ugggghhh!!! Another HOUR AND 45 MINUTES?!!?! AaaarrrrggghHHHHHH!!!!!

People around me in line looked worried, concerned. I started laughing.

GOD. DAMMIT!!!

Holy SHIT!

I’m not going to get home for another hour and a HALF!!! AAARRRRGGGHHHH!!!!!

SHIT!!!!!!

Where the hell was my digital camera when I needed it?

Transpanic Tanorexics

Your average Eastern European blond\'s role model
I lived in some of the coldest, most desolate, coal-mining regions of Eastern Europe, where people weren’t so much pale and blonde as they were washed out from the lack of nutrients. And there friends and I saw a curious phenomenon: the one of Transpanic Tanorexics.

If I had a zloty for every woman with glossy black hair, rich…orange…skin, big gold hoop earrings, pushing a baby carriage with a blond, blue-eyed tot, well, I’d be a Polish millionaire. Which is the equivalent of an American hundredaire.

The look became popular as Poland (and the rest of the formerly-repressed Slavic world) emerged from decades of relative isolation and poverty, and ventured south, as their Western neighbors had for decades, to sunnier pastures on the Mediterranean. The look of a sun-kissed Latin beauty quickly became a beauty standard.

My friend D. and I were waiting once at a travel agent, and saw two transpanic tanorexics looking at a brochure for Greece. D: “They’re making a pilgrimage.”

Faster Pussycat Kill! Kill! and badass Tura Satana

Tura Satana eats suggestivelyOne of the most bizarre and campy movies I’ve ever seen was Russ Meyer’s Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!, a 1965 release that was remastered and rereleased in 1995 in indie movie houses for its 30th anniversary. I remember being blown away by the clever dialogue and overly buxom (and violent) femmes starring in this cult classic.

I found some clips, including a trailer, on YouTube - you can enjoy them below.

I also found out that the DVD has been release (unofficially?) and that it has a bunch of cool features including interviews with the stars. True to legend, Tura Satana has a colorful personal history that helped shape the power she displayed in the movie. It’s not too surprising that there are many references to both her and the movie in popular culture.

Even cult-junkie king Quentin Tarantino said he’d give up 5 years of his life to be able to work with Tura Satana back in the 1960s.

Does frontrunner status help or hurt you?

I just saw on Drudge that 3 polls show Obama with a lead over McCain in November. Drudge then shows a beaming John McCain with the caption “Underdog!”

I’m wondering what the general effect of being declared the frontrunner or underdog does to your candidacy. I’m sure there are countless examples of the rule being broken, but what is the general rule?

Do people tend to be attracted to the frontrunner’s success, or do otherwise inactive voters rally behind someone when they think he/she might lose? I’m sure both are true depending on the voter you’re talking to, but there must be a general rule for the voting U.S. population.

reCaptcha good, catCaptcha bad

In order to deal with a bunch of comment spam (which come in droves, always repeating variations on the words “viagra” and “slut”), I’ve found reCaptcha and have put its Wordpress plugin on my blog. I think it’s an ingenious service: it forces you to write the correct spelling for two words. One is a word that the OCR readers working on digitizing old books can’t recognize; the other is a word that many reCaptcha users before you have consistently read a certain way and have thus provided the correct spelling for. So, if you get the second right, you’re likely to get the first right, too, because, well, you’re a literate human.

It’s the coolest form of work crowdsourcing since SETI@home (computer) and Amazon’s Mechanical Turk (human). The site says it saves 3,000 man-hours per day.

From poking around the net, though, I found the worst captcha solution: something I’m calling catCaptcha, for the lack of a better word. Take a look (hat tip: Depressed Programmer). The Rapidshare folks must have said, “Let’s make a captcha so hard that even humans fail at it most of the time.”

The catCaptcha

I’ll miss the Cheney jokes more than Cheney

Cheney snarlingThere’s something about a soulless old man who shoots his friends in the face and wears a snarl most of the time that makes him the ideal butt of jokes. Man, I love a good Cheney joke.

So while this Machiavellian monster’s carefree trampling over human rights will soon be over, I have to admit I’ll miss the Onion’s brilliant pieces lampooning him. I love how they usually refer to him simply as “Cheney”, in a style similar to “Godzilla” or “Satan”:

  • Cheney Returns to Camp Crystal Lake - “I knew it’d been too quiet around here,” camp caretaker Ephram Magritte, 67, said between sips from his flask. “Things were just starting to get back to normal. Then that carload of kids had to go have a drinking party at the lake last Friday. When two of them went missing, people started up again, saying Cheney was back. We don’t need that kind of talk. Stirs up trouble. Scares off customers.”
    Four hours later, Magritte was found hanging from a tree, his brass-handled cane protruding from his eye socket.
  • Cheney Caught Moonlighting - “For the past several months, the vice-president has, unbeknownst to this administration, taken on a second job as a host at Denny’s,” White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer said. “We are dealing with the situation internally.”
  • Voice Of God Revealed To Be Cheney On Intercom - While journalists and presidential historians had long noted Bush’s deep faith and Cheney’s powerful influence in the White House, few had drawn a direct correlation between the two until Tuesday, when transcripts of meetings that took place in March and April of 2002 became available. In a transcript of an intercom exchange recorded in March 2002, a voice positively identified as the vice president’s identifies himself as “the Lord thy God” and promotes the invasion of Iraq, as well as the use of torture in prisoner interrogations.
  • ‘Missed Connection’ Ad Obviously Cheney - In spite of its anonymity, a “missed connection” ad posted on the D.C.-area Craigslist Monday was clearly the work of Vice President Dick Cheney. “You: the attractive blonde from Newsweek,” the ad read. “Me: stout, thinning hair, glasses, surrounded by Secret Service agents.”
  • New Heart Device Allows Cheney To Experience Love - Dr. Jonathan Samuel Reiner, Cheney’s cardiologist, said in a press conference at George Washington University Hospital that the vice president exhibited a series of unexpected side effects almost immediately after regaining consciousness following his surgery. “The vice president broke free from the straps that secured him to the bed and lurched at me as he customarily does following a heart procedure,” said Reiner. “But instead of trying to strangle me, he wrapped his arms around me in a hug.”
  • Latest Cheney Tape May Contain Evidence Of His Whereabouts - The tape, which is 18 minutes in length, contains grainy footage of what appears to be the vice president standing in front of a featureless brown background. Despite a history of heart problems, Cheney seems to be in good health, though he does appear agitated. Analysts said his hair is grayer than in previous tapes, and his hairline has receded by a half inch. He appears to be wearing the exact same suit he wore in his most recent video in 2004. Though Cheney makes no specific threats in the tape, he does issue vague warnings that the United States will soon face a large-scale attack.
  • Cheney Vows To Attack U.S. If Kerry Elected - “If the wrong man is elected in November, the nation will come under a devastating armed attack of an unimaginable magnitude, one planned and executed by none other than myself,” Cheney said, speaking at a rally in Greensboro, NC. “When they go to the polls, Americans must weigh this fact and decide if our nation can ignore such a grave threat.” Added Cheney: “It would be a tragedy to suffer another attack on American soil, let alone one perpetrated by an enemy as well-organized and well-equipped as I am. My colleagues and I urge voters to keep their safety in mind when they go to the polls.”
  • Cheney Celebrates Earth Day By Breathing Oxygen - At a special Earth Day event Sunday, Vice President Dick Cheney inhaled his first-ever breath of oxygen. “I am…proud to stand before you today and…breathe in the same gas used by…millions of Americans,” said a wheezing and gasping Cheney, whose body is accustomed to compounds of chlorine and sulfur dioxide.

Same-sex marriage comes to Norway

Marriage equalityThat makes it the sixth country (after the Netherlands, Belgium, Spain, Canada and South Africa) to legalize same-sex marriage.

In the US, only Massachusetts has allowed it until now. California joins next week.

The types of people that are against gay marriage

This seems to cover everyoneHad a short but interesting conversation at work about gay marriage and who its proponents and opponents are.

I’ve absorbed enough of the national dialogue to recognize some patterns. Some are obvious; some are subtle. Here are the types of people that are against gay marriage:

1) Christian fundies - Of course, an easy one. This group is primarily composed of assholes, but they have a need to feel self-righteous, so they choose one of the rare sins they don’t actually commit to feel high and mighty about themselves. It’s not only for their homophobia that so many people hate these fuckers. Includes Mormons, who, until not too long ago, thought their church was too good for black people.

2) Dumpy, single, straight women - Straight women that gravitate towards gay men tend to be attractive; they usually enjoy hanging out with gay men to avoid unwanted attention from straight men and jealousy from other women. The less attractive women out there who struggle to make men pay attention to them (and would relish something that other women would be jealous of) are against gay marriage, not because they loathe gay people, but because they feel entitled to get married first. They might be fine with gay marriage after some guy pops the question to them first. They are usually seen making an ass of themselves, constantly about their struggles to find a decent man and to fit in size 16 jeans. Often talk about their personal relationship with Jesus and how the Bible is awesome, hoping that will charm some fundie (#1 above).

3. Most African-Americans - No other ethnic group is as against gay marriage as black people in this country, at least. Driven by the juvenile machismo of black male culture, and probably in part due to the Baptist church’s adamant position against gay marriage, black Americans’ support of gay marriage stands at 28%. Some black leaders have whined that they resent LGBT activists’ “exploitation” of a comparison to the civil rights struggle of the 1960s, but they are simply masking a shameful culture of bigotry that runs deep.

4. White men with a sense of entitlement - These are the (usually older) guys that complain about the slow degradation of the moral and social fabric of our society (while consistently supporting Republican efforts to destroy social programs that help keep that fabric intact). That’s code for: we had all the power 50 years ago, and now we have to share it with women, blacks, gays and a bunch of other people that are worse than us, and goddammit, we’re not going to take it anymore! Unsurprisingly given the depth of their hypocrisy, they often have names like Murphy, Russo and Kowalski, recalling the historically most reviled ethnic immigrant groups that assimilated due to the tolerance of people unlike themselves. Usually seen watching Fox News and struggling with relentless heartburn.

5. Closet cases - These stupid old fucks love getting handjobs in airport bathrooms or coming on to boys one-tenth their age, but they happily vote Republican and sing the song of homophobia when it comes to legalizing gay marriage. Why? Simple - a gay man married to another is one less that will be cruising public bathrooms. Married gay men are a lot less likely to have a “wide stance” than those relegated to singledom. Unsurprisingly, these men come from a generation that has internalized homophobia to a degree that they don’t see anything wrong with demonizing gay people; after all, they’re not really gay!

6. Brainwashed Catholics - There are two types of Catholics: those who know what the Vatican’s position is on a host of issues and then proceed to live their own lives, and those who feel the need to heed whatever that old Nazi tells them. These latter tend to have no sense of control over their own destiny, and want to have someone else, preferably someone in flowing gold robes and a big bejeweled hat, tell them what to believe. You can’t fault them for being against gay marriage; they are just mindless automatons incapable of forming their own opinion about anything.

7. Muslims - Actually, I don’t think I’ve ever heard a religious Muslim ever even talk about gay marriage. I guess their thinking is: how could dead people get married? How preposterous!

Who supports gay marriage? There are obviously many exceptions, especially those that overlap with the 7 groups above, but:

  • younger people (Gens X & Y)
  • educated people
  • people living in urban areas
  • non-religious people
  • Western Europeans
  • self-described “progressives”
  • people who can honestly admit that marriages between two other people have nothing to do with their own

The tide is slowly turning, and thankfully those who support gay marriage tend to be growing. This is a personal issue for me, so I find it all the more irritating that ignorant, selfish people feel entitled to limit the rights of others for their own self-satisfaction. This is why, as you can see above, I don’t feel the need to respect their views - who respects the views of those who believe mixed-race couples shouldn’t be allowed to marry in this day and age?

Flavor tripping with the miracle fruit (miracle berry)

Miracle fruit berryMy sister-in-law sent a link to this NYT video on “flavor tripping parties”, where you eat a bunch of normally very sour things but taste them as sweet. How? You first suck on a miracle berry for about a minute; a natural ingredient in the miracle berry temporarily alters your taste buds to perceive sour as sweet.

I was fascinated and bought 30 berries (the minimum) at $3 a pop from Miracle Fruit Man in Florida. I got my berries less than 2 weeks later (not bad, considering the flood of orders that must have come in around that time).

At home, my boyfriend and I split one berry and each sucked on our half for a minute or two. (We want to save the rest for a flavor-tripping party) It’s very little flesh, which is lychee-like, around a very big seed, and it doesn’t have much of a flavor on its own. Then we started trying some sour stuff:

  • Vinegar. Remarkable. It tasted like a sweet liquid (like simple syrup, or a thin boysenberry syrup) right on the tongue, but the moment it hit your throat - ACID. Same with the lips - BURN. The key is dripping it right on the tongue, where it doesn’t burn and where it tastes sweet and surprisingly mild.
  • Injeera bread. We had some of this Ethiopian fermented bread that we had bought this past weekend. Normally it’s a sour pancakelike bread. Now it was mildly sweet. Like a drier version of an American pancake, although still “yeasty”/malty in a way.
  • Maple syrup. We tried something intensely sweet as a control. It tasted pretty much the same as before, maybe a touch less sweet than normal.
  • Sauerkraut. Tasted like sauerkraut packed in light syrup; the only sourness was picked up by the nose and throat.

At this point, we ran off to the local market because we heard its effects lasted 1/2 hr to 2 hrs. We picked up a juicy lemon, some Tabasco and some Guinness.

  • Guinness. No difference at all. We had heard it tastes like a chocolate shake. It didn’t to us. It tasted like Guinness.
  • Tabasco. Wow. I dropped it on my tongue. I dropped a lot on my tongue…because it didn’t register as anything except mildly sweet liquid (like vinegar). About 15 seconds later my tongue was on fire.
  • Lemon. This was the true test, the most stark change. We got a big juicy lemon, the kind that would make you wince if you bit into it. The lemon tasted like the sweetest, strongest lemonade you’ve ever had. We literally tore through it, eating it like an orange. Not for a second did it taste sour or too strong.
  • Avocado. My boyfriend tried some avocado. It continued to taste like avocado.

So, the miracle fruit, at least in our experience, just reverses the sensation of sour (to sweet)–the sourer the taste, the sweeter it becomes. It has no effect on foods that are not sweet. You’ll enjoy the experience most with lemons, which become intensely sweet.

For the flavor-tripping party, I’ll have lemons, limes, maybe some grapefruit (although the chief taste with them is bitterness), and different types of vinegar. Other less-sour foods won’t register the same sort of impact.

And just to let you know: the lemon was sour. My teeth had that acid-damaged grittiness you have when you chew on a lemon. I tried a bit a few hours later and it was bitingly sour again, with no hint of sweetness.

Totally worth it for the experience. My stomach was wincing a little bit, though, from ingesting all that acid; it can’t be fooled.

Obama: first Generation X candidate

It occurred to me that when Barack Obama pounded Michelle, and the Fox News fogeys wailed about it being a secret terrorist hand signal, that we’re at a big generational disconnect here.

Barack Obama is the first Generation X presidential candidate. Our generation (yes, I’m a member, although closer to the other end of the range than the Senator from Illinois) speaks a different language, interprets the world differently, and has completely different cultural references from the Baby Boomers and previous generations. And, as usual, each younger generation has to bear the withering assaults of the older generation that just doesn’t get them.

It also occurred to me that Obama’s opponent, John McCain, is not even a Baby Boomer, the generation that gave us both presidential candidates in both 2000 and 2004 (Kerry was born in 1943 but his Vietnam post-war experience suggests he represented the BB’s ideological zeitgeist at the time).

After a successful two-term Clinton presidency and not-so-successful two-term Bush Jr presidency, I don’t think we’re ready to turn back the hands of time and choose someone who most closely resembles the Cryptkeeper at this point.