Maybe I’m just getting old.

We just saw Thor last night. After seeing the trailer the previous weekend, I had no interest whatsoever in seeing it. Then my partner said it got 93% on Rotten Tomatoes. I begrudgingly agreed to go.

By the time we got out of the theater, the RT score had dropped to 78%. And that didn’t even include my panning of it!

Here’s my unorganized thoughts on this trainwreck of a movie:

• You have to be a brainless meathead to appreciate the one-dimensionality of the plot. Seriously, no nuance, nothing that makes you think, nothing clever whatsoever. A three-year-old would roll his eyes at the storyline.
• Hollywood has GOT to stop emphasizing this Mormon idea that the fairer you are, the more morally good you are. You can just know who the good guys are by the color of their hair and skin nowadays (I think the Karate Kid was the last movie to run against this paradigm, and that was about 30 years ago). Orphan was the last movie that reminded me of this (the dark girl with the foreign accent tries to kill the blond, blue-eyed American girl…really?!)
• The cast is 99% white, with one token black guy and one token Asian guy. OK, maybe because it’s about Norse mythology, and no one is more lily-white than the Scandinavians. Except that one Asian god. And they make both the black and Asian guys’ eyes lighter.
• I’m not sure why a Norse god of the Middle Ages speaks modern British English with the occasional Victorian turn of phrase. Maybe the actors can’t pull a Scandinavian accent off? And why do Norse gods use English as their native tongue?
• A clever FX budget-saving technique: throw in a lot of “camera movement” and noise during the fight scenes, so people won’t realize the animation is cut-rate. I noticed this in Iron Man 2, too. Wasn’t that a Marvel film, also? Hmm….
• Just because a character on the screen laughs at his lame joke doesn’t mean we’re obligated to laugh at it, especially when it’s not even remotely funny. I know this is a matter of social conditioning, but still. And just because it’s delivered with a British accent doesn’t mean it’s wit.
• It’s not unusual for Hollywood to pick a female lead because she’s pretty, even if she lacks any charisma or acting talent. Maybe we should be celebrating the objectification of male leads with Chris Hemsworth’s casting as Thor as a milestone. Great body, not much else. Oh, crap, I forgot about Matthew McConaughey.
• Was the pressure of having delivered an Oscar-winning performance in Black Swan just too overwhelming for Natalie Portman, that she had to act in something brainless next? Or did she have a mansion in the Caribbean that she wanted to buy?
• You might wonder if Kenneth Branagh’s directing skills are what ultimately made Emma Thompson divorce him. I did. Thor is as overrated as Dead Again was.

If you think my lambasting of Thor means I hate everything out in the theaters right now, you couldn’t be more wrong. I really enjoyed Source Code, and The Adjustment Bureau wasn’t half-bad, either. But Thor is going to make me trust my instincts about all other Marvel movies I see trailers for. (And the Captain America one I saw looked absolutely ridiculous)

Let me dust off my rusty Polish skills and translate one of the poems of my favorite poet, Wislawa Szymborska, who won the Nobel Prize in 1996. (Sorry, had to convert all the Polish letters to their closest English equivalents, since WordPress fucks them all up…)

Sto pociech

Zachcialo mu sie szczescia,
zachcialo mu sie prawdy,
zachcialo mu sie wiecznosci,
patrzcie go!

He wanted some happiness
He wanted some truth
He wanted some eternity
Just look at him!

ledwie rozróznil sen od jawy,
ledwie domyslil sie, ze on to on,
ledwie wystrugal reke z pletwy rodem krzesiwo i rakiete,
latwy do utopienia w lyzce oceanu,
za malo nawet smieszny, zeby pustke smieszyc,
oczami tylko widzi,
uszami tylko slyszy,
rekordem jego mowy jest tryb warunkowy,
rozumem gani rozum,
slowem: prawie nikt,
ale wolnosc mu w glowie,
wszechwiedza i byt poza niemadrym miesem,
patrzcie go!

He could barely distinguish dream from consciousness
He could barely guess that he was himself
He could barely carve a hand straight out of a fin, a flint and a rocket
Easy to drown in a teaspoon of the ocean
Not funny enough to laugh at the emptiness
He only sees with his eyes
He only hears with his ears
His speech personal record is the use of the conditional
He criticizes reason with reason
In a word: almost nobody
But in his head, freedom, knowing it all, and existence beyond just unintelligent meat
Just look at him!

Bo przeciez chyba jest,
naprawde sie wydarzyl
pod jedna z gwiazd prowincjonalnych.
Na swój sposób zywotny i wcale ruchliwy.
Jak na marnego wyrodka krysztalu
-dosc powaznie zdziwiony.
Jak na trudne dziecinstwo w koniecznosciach stada
niezle juz poszczególny.
Patrzcie go!

Because he probably does exist, doesn’t he?
He really did come into being
Under one of the less sophisticated stars.
In his own special way quite full of life and jumpy
Like the poor outcast of a crystal, quite seriously curious.
Like in a difficult childhood in the needs of the flock
He stands out in not a bad way
Just look at him!

Tylko tak dalej,
dalej choc przez chwile,
bodaj przez mgnienie galaktyki malej!

Keep on going on, but only for a moment
Just a blink of our small galaxy!

Niechby sie wreszcie z grubsza okazalo,
czym bedzie, skoro jest.
A jest – zawziety.
Zawziety, trzeba przyznac, bardzo.
Z tym kólkiem w nosie,w tej todze,w tym swetrze.
Sto pociech, badz co badz.
Nieboze. Istny czlowiek.

You have to wonder how it will eventually turn out,
Who he’ll become, what he already is.
And he is – stubborn.
Stubborn, you have to admit, very.
With this ring in his nose, in this toga, in this sweater.
A hundred comforts, if nothing else.
The poor guy. A real man.

This challenge was great. First, it involved maple, and who doesn’t love maple? Second, I finally learned how to make a mousse. The hazelnut mousse I attempted in January was a disaster. Third, it was clever and all of our guests this past Sunday loved it (and they also were eating a friend’s delectable chocolate pot de creme, so the competition was fierce) Finally, it was kosher for Passover, so I didn’t even have to violate commandments against chametz to participate!

The April 2011 Daring Bakers’ challenge was hosted by Evelyne of the blogCheap Ethnic Eatz. Evelyne chose to challenge everyone to make a maple mousse in an edible container. Prizes are being awarded to the most creative edible container and filling, so vote on your favorite from April 27th to May 27th at http://thedaringkitchen.com!

I made the maple mousse exactly as described, with no alterations, while I opted for the nut cup, made of walnuts, since, as a vegetarian, the bacon option just wasn’t my cup of tea. The flavors complemented each other very nicely, and this just easy enough to make again.

Most of the time, I go to the movies for some pleasant mind candy—frilly enjoyment that helps me get my mind off the mundane inanities of my life. But, occasionally, sometimes I feel a cerebral craving for something mentally meatier: a good mindfuck.

What’s a mindfuck? A movie that plays with your mind, confuses you, and leads you on. It’s not just a movie with a twist ending (like M. Night Shyamalan’s brilliant The Sixth Sense). Mindfucks are borderline-incoherent, dreamlike, and surreal. They’re often shot in the perspective of the main character, who might be struggling with a mental problem, or they might be dreaming. The tempo is strangely off. You wonder if what’s happening is really happening, or if they’re manifestations of the narrator’s twisted mind. The impatient and dim-witted are annoyed by mindfucks; the intellectually curious are transfixed by them. Guess which group I count myself among? *blows on fingernails, buffs them on his shirt*

Here’s my list of the top 12, along with some very basic commentary. I’ll obviously leave out the spoilers, since they are all worth watching.

1. Mulholland Drive – Anything from David Lynch’s twisted mind is bound to mess with your head, and this movie is no exception. I’m a bit afraid to watch more of Lynch’s movies, in the same way I’m afraid to try coke.

2. Jacob’s Ladder - Adrian Lyne’s Vietnam War movie is ostensibly a commentary about military testing of psychoactive drugs, but this might be one of my favorite movies of all time due to the unexplained twist ending and stunningly creepy visuals.

3. Fight Club – If you’ve ever read anything by Chuck Palahniuk, you’ll know that he integrates plot twists with gritty character development. Pair that with the brilliant direction by David Fincher, and you have a real winner in this flick.

4. Inception - Christopher Nolan’s mindbender was one of the hot movies of 2010, but, even though it was snubbed at the Oscars, is still worth a viewing if you’re a fan of this genre. A complex storyline will almost absolutely force you to have to watch this more than once.

5. The Cube - This Canadian movie has probably the worst acting of all the movies in this list–it feels like it was a bad stage production taken to movie form–but it’s still an interesting plot that keeps you guessing until the very end. It even had a sequel with even worse acting than the original.

6. The Machinist - Seeing the hunky Christian Bale wasted away was an oddly satisfying visual treat (seeing him bulk up again for Batman Begins). His lack of ability to eat or sleep properly is conveyed beautifully in the movie, so much so that when the plot turns leave you with more questions than answers, you begin to wonder if you’re just sleep-deprived or suffering from low blood sugar.

7. Twelve Monkeys – Makes great use of all the evitable paradoxes that arise when you have time travel. Terry Gilliam seems to borrow from Monty Python colleague Palin’s Brazil with all of all the sorts of weird steampunk stuff we imagine will be in the future, and that hipsters are jizzing over now.

8. The Spanish Prisoner – David Mamet’s screenplay ports over into a similarly sparse movie featuring Rebecca Pigeon and Steve Martin. Relies less on the paranormal and special effects (there aren’t any), and more on conspiracy and paranoia.

9. Eyes Wide Shut – I love the ponderous pacing of Kubrick’s Eyes Wide Shut, which is just slow enough to add to the uneasy eeriness of the movie. Maybe this is what it’s like to be inside Tom Cruise’s head.

10.  Vanilla Sky (Abre Los Ojos) – Cruise seems to have a thing for dramatic mindfucks. Both versions of this movie–the Spanish original, and the American remake–feature Penelope Cruz and grapple with the idea that some things can’t be bought.

11. Memento - Much like the famous Seinfeld episode, Memento‘s scenes run backwards. Considering there’s a complex mystery involved, there’s a whole lot of mental gears whirring as you watch the movie, accept the premise, and start storing scene information in an attempt to make sense of it all.

12. Requiem for a Dream – The perils of drug abuse are brought to the fore with a haggard and worn Jared Leto and Jennifer Connelly. Dark, brooding, and deliberately confusing (I’m talking about the movie, not Leto), you’re left with a bad taste in your mouth, a sick feeling in your stomach, and a vow to never watch a movie like this again. Until you see the next mindfuck trailer.

Success! This month’s Daring Bakers challenge came out great.

The March 2011 Daring Baker’s Challenge was hosted by Ria of Ria’s Collection and Jamie of Life’s a Feast. Ria and Jamie challenged The Daring Bakers to bake a yeasted Meringue Coffee Cake.

I ended up making a variation to the filling – using a poppyseed filling reminiscent of the makovnjača (mah-COVE-nya-chah) my mom has made ever since I was a young ‘un – that ended up tasting delicious. However…finding poppyseeds in bulk with a royal PITA. Just about every place I visited (or called – I eventually got smart about it) only had tiny little spice jar-sized containers, for sprinkling poppyseeds decoratively on foods like bagels or kaiser rolls. Fortunately, Rainbow Grocery had them, in a big jar in their refrigerated bulk section.

For the filling, I used Hungarian Girl’s recipe. It was easy and very, very, very delicious. But you do get poppy seeds stuck in your teeth afterward.

The coffee cake recipe was also divine–moist, not too sweet, and just yeasty enough. I actually prepared my coffee cake on a Tuesday, froze the baked cake until Sunday, and reheated it. It was perfect.

Since it wasn’t terribly hard to make, and it turned out delicious and freezer-safe, I’ll be making this again.

I redeemed myself in the kitchen this month. After last month’s travesty, I was afraid of February’s challenge. Fortunately, I had a better go of making a panna cotta and florentine sandwich cookies with chocolate than I did with last month’s dessert.

The February 2011 Daring Bakers’ challenge was hosted by Mallory from A Sofa in the Kitchen. She chose to challenge everyone to make Panna Cotta from a Giada De Laurentiis recipe and Nestle Florentine Cookies.

Some of the variations I made to the recipe as posted:

• I added a little vanilla extract to the panna cotta, even though Giada’s original recipe does not call for it (probably didn’t need it, but it was a nice addition)
• I made a strawberry and red wine syrup topping to it, using David Lebovitz’s recipe for the syrup (it was incredible)
• I halved the recipe for the florentine cookies, since I didn’t want too many more than were for dinner guests that night
• I filled the florentine cookies with a combination of milk chocolate and mocha dark chocolate

Overall, our dinner guests and I were pleased! This was relatively easy to prepare overall, so I could easily make both of these again.

You know you’ve heard it. It’s the dreaded warning that you’ll be listening to scratchy music interspersed with short ads upselling you or encouraging you to get answers online for the next 30-40 minutes before you hear a couple of beeps and your call is unceremoniously dropped.

The messages to get your answers online instead are particularly galling, since anyone with a brain and an Internet connection nowadays will do ANYTHING to avoid having to get on the phone since we know that entails at least an hour of Muzak-overrun purgatory. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve emailed my bank, Internet provider, or other service and gotten a canned email response saying that they would love to help me with my inquiry if I would just call them at their toll-free number.

Let’s think about what “unusually high call volumes really means.” It means that call volumes are unexpectedly high, even higher than they were last year, when they were unexpectedly high, too. That implies that the number of calls has been growing exponentially for years, even if they were stupid enough to imagine that, after every year of call volume growth, the next year’s call volumes would grow linearly.

Now, let’s assume “normal call volumes” were those experienced at approximately 3:17am on a balmy August morning, back in 1987, otherwise known as the Pre-Call Center Era. The growth that would have had to occur since then in order to justify the “unusually heavy call volumes” claim would probably necessitate about 86% of the planet to be working at a call center right now.

In fact, we would all have to be simultaneously calling call centers from multiple numbers, and answering multiple calls, after, of course, each call had been sitting in queue for at least 30 minutes.

Another annoyance: “Your call is very important to us.” If that were true, don’t you think they would hire more people so that they could answer calls promptly? Or maybe they really mean, “Your call is very important to us, but your time isn’t”?

OK, a departure from my usual blog snarkiness (although, only a little…I will save it for the demonic French bakers who invented this insufferably inscrutable dessert!). I started participating in the Daring Kitchen‘s monthly Daring Bakers Challenge, a non-competitive collaborative effort to push us novice bakers out of our comfort zones and create something new. Every month, literally hundreds of intrepid bakers take on a new dessert, one that has foiled many. This month, I totally failed at this month’s dessert: the entremet with biscuit joconde imprimé. (See the pictures below if you don’t believe me)

The January 2011 Daring Bakers’ challenge was hosted by Astheroshe of the blog accro. She chose to challenge everyone to make a Biscuit Joconde Imprime to wrap around an Entremets dessert.

So here’s what this dessert is: a multi-layer dessert cake, usually round, with soft layer fillings held in by a “jovially-imprinted biscuit” that wraps around the dessert. This is what they’re supposed to look like:

Now, look at mine:

Um, yeah.

So this was my entremet:

• chocolate biscuit joconde imprime (base & sides)
• vanilla bavarois (Bavarian cream) – this came out delicious; I used a real vanilla bean and I think this gave it a much better flavor than extract
• a pretzel/chocolate “croustillant” layer – this came out nice, too
• a hazelnut mousse – tasted delicious, but would not set, even after chilling in the refrigerator for 2 hours
• a chocolate mirror glaze – couldn’t really see it reflect, since it plunged past the soft mousse

I had really wanted to make a hazelnut mousse, but there was only one recipe I was able to find that also didn’t include chocolate. I had never made an egg-based mousse before, so I suppose I didn’t know how to troubleshoot any oddness in the texture.

It was an amusing afternoon, though. My thoughts as I was composing this thing:

• Man, the French love eggs! I swear I used about 15 eggs making the damn thing. Every single item except the two chocolate layers—tellingly, the recipes were by Americans—involved lots and lots and lots of eggs.
• There were so, so many steps involved. I was working furiously for about 3 1/2 hours to make everything. Patisserie chefs clearly have created items that are not easy to duplicate at home, ensuring themselves plenty of work even when the economy goes soft. (Maybe not when people opt for low-carb diets, though)
• Making macarons (French macaroons) is far easier.

Just the same, I look forward to destroying the kitchen and wiping batter off the ceiling in next month’s challenge!

Our DNA is the root to understanding our genetic makeup, and, in many ways, our biological destiny. While you might be fortunate enough to get mowed down by a bus driven by a furiously-texting operator when you’re old and frail anyway, most of us will be felled by any assortment of diseases: cardiovascular disease, cancer, even restless-leg syndrome (imagine driving along a winding cliffside road and you get that need to stretch your leg…).

If you’re someone like Jimmy Carter and know that pancreatic cancer has knocked off just about every member of your family, maybe you can focus your energy on maintaining that organ’s health and maybe even getting the thing excised when you’re sick of worrying about it. But what about the rest of us? Most of us have complex DNA makeups, with a smattering of grandma, uncle Joe, and your distant great-aunt Melba thrown in for good measure. Maybe family secrets have prevented you from knowing much more about your family beyond what your parents reddening faces suggest when you bring up the topic.

Enter personal genomics. Spit in a tube or swipe the inside of your cheek, and cough up upwards of $500, and you’ll get to know much more about what kind of future, and past, your genetic material spells out for you than you ever imagined possible. There are a few companies offering this service: 23andMe, founded by Google founder Sergey Brin’s wife Anne Wojcicki, is the lowest-cost option at about $500. You get a fairly impressive risk profile for all sorts of genetically-influenced diseases and ailments, and some fun stuff: where your ancestors trace their prehistoric origins, and an indication of whether you’re likely to end up lactose intolerant and bald or not.

At the other end of expense is Decodeme, which costs 4 times as much but scans twice as many possible alterations along your DNA strands and can tell you about your likelihood of contracting Alzheimer’s (23andme can not). I won’t get into more of the details but you can read a comparison review. It might be meaningful to you to know that Decodeme’s headquarters are in the spa-like environs of Iceland. Maybe not.

When does this stuff get scary? First, 23andMe offers you insight into knowing whether you’re likely to develop Parkinson’s, which is a bit of a scary bit of knowledge knowing the future that’s in store and how little you can do about it. (Would you want to know that you’ll almost certainly be contracting a horribly debilitating illness relatively early in life, and there’s not much in terms of testing or preventive measures that you can do about it?)

Second, knowing you’re at risk for several diseases just might make you obsessed about it. You could spend your whole life eating whole-grain oat husks washed down with raw, fermented aloe juice in an attempt to stave off colorectal cancer, only to come down with a particularly bad case of the Mondays and bite it. Wouldn’t that be terrible?

Third, on the ancestral origin picture, what if you had attributed your ginger hair, lifelong love of the four-leafed clover, and preternatural draw to the bagpipe and Guinness to your Irish heritage, only to find out that your genealogical roots point east of Minsk? And that O’Malley was Omalsky before the illiterate Ellis Island intake clerks butchered your family name? It could happen.

At any rate, most of these risks are surpassed by the utility of knowing more about yourself, and how much of your fate is hereditarily determined. If you’re like me, you probably don’t think your ancestral origins are anything more than a passing curiosity. And as for your health diagnoses: knowledge is power. Besides, both 23andMe and DecodeMe force you to opt-in to knowing about the really scary stuff. You can find out if you have a propensity to gain weight eating a diet in monosaturated fat without knowing if Parkinson’s is something you’re going to have to surrender your life to eventually.

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• Irish are genetically distinct from other Europeans (politics.ie)
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• Why DNA testing could be free by 2020 (ctv.ca)